The curse of the entire emotional needs issue

By 

Lori Alexander

The Transformed Wife

Dated 30^th May 2023 (YouTube Post)

 

“Women these days want their husbands to make them ‘feel’ good because if they ‘feel’ good, then they will be happy and they will stay in the marriage, but if their husbands are not making them ‘feel’ good, then they will not be ‘happy’ and have a good reason to divorce her husband. (The foundation of their marriage is built upon emotions and feelings.)

If their husbands are not saying the right words to them, acting in a way they want them to act, listening to them the way they demand, and romancing them the way they desire, their emotional needs are not being met. Therefore, they are not happy, and they have a way out of their marriage. They want what the woman on the Hollywood screen has!

This, women, is the curse of the entire emotional needs issue. If you have a husband who works hard to provide for you, is faithful to you, and loves your children, you have a good man. Be thankful. So, what if he does not treat you like a queen? He is NOT Prince Charming and you are not a Queen!

Stop getting your matching orders (expectations) from Hollywood and begin loving your husband, submitting to him, finding ways to please him, and becoming the godly wife that God commands that you be as His Spirit works mightily within you. Do not tear your homes down with your own hand like many women are doing these days.”

There is a lot of truth in these words of wisdom. My sincere prayer is that the heart of my sisters opens up to the convictions of the Holy Spirit through this message of inspiration.

May God continue to bless your homes as you submit more to His will for your lives!

Follow this link for more details on the post from Lori: https://thetransformedwife.com/husbands-are-not-commanded-to-meet-their-wives-emotional-needs/

Only God Can

Our Creator has in Him the power to change your spouse’s heart. It is pointless and dreary to spend precious time nagging, complaining, shouting or manipulating him/her. A lot of couples struggle in this area and find it very difficult to deal with when they are being hurt by their spouse’s actions or bad behaviour. We long for them to change, a change we pray for to happen for the better and we try to do everything in our power to change them so that we can stop hurting and going through the pain that we are going through! Sometimes this change happens but most often, the change wrought is not permanent and usually does not last. We try to bring about change in them through external “invisible” forces to help them be better people. But change cannot be wrought or forced externally.

The change of heart we seek in our loved ones cannot be prescribed by a psychological therapist or counsellor. Your spouse’s problems are mere symptoms of an injured, defective and damaged heart and sadly most of us spend so much time dealing with the symptoms, their bad behaviour and lack of expression of love to us, instead of dealing with the root of the problem once and for all!

We do not look at what has caused them to act or start doing the things they are doing. We do not take time to nurture our spouse’s heart for Jesus Christ as God gave us the responsibility to do throughout our time with them. Instead, we attack them because we are hurting and in pain so that they can stop what they are doing to us. Sometimes a spouse can get through to the erring partner in this way though often times this just makes the matter even worse than before! We escalate a problem in them instead of the good we wish for them. Their wandering from the path of rectitude, the path of truth, the path of principle and the path of righteousness gradually leads them slowly away from whom God intended them to be and become.

Their wandering heart leads them into doing the wrong things they end up doing and this is seen from their actions, bad choices and poor decisions. We can call them names, insult them, talk about how bad they really are by subconsciously making them look bad while allowing ourselves to look like the “angels”, but this does not resolve our current problem. Sometimes an erring spouse’s behaviour may be greater than just a mere change of friends or behaviour. In most cases, if not all, it requires the complete transformation and change of the human heart. And who best can change the heart than the one that created it? We need to bow down on our knees humbly before God and cry out to Him because only God can change our hearts! We need to talk to God. I do not mean hurling out our pain and anger or pain at Him. I mean communicating our heart’s anguish and pray for His will to be restored in His child, their spouse in this case. 

We need to have faith in God’s ability to change our partner’s stubborn heart as He has promised in Ezekiel 36:26 (RSV) “A new heart I will give you, and a new spirit I will put within you, and I will take out of your flesh the heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” In fact, God is more interested in the condition of our own heart in these difficult times than the condition of our partner’s heart. He would want His love, His power and His patience for His people reflected in our love for our spouses! 

A change in us has the power to bring about the change that God wills for in our partner’s lives. We need to trust Him and that He will work things out for our own good in His time. Have hope, keep the faith and never forget that only God can change your spouse’s heart permanently. 

The Little Things

 “It's the little things that make a big difference in marriage. Many couples look for big answers to their big problems. They pay big money in marriage counselling to tackle big problems. But the reality of the matter is that it takes little changes to make a big difference in marriage. Just a little courtesy, a little respect, a little gratitude, a little apology, a little change in attitude, a little attention, a little gift, a little smile, a little text message, a little phone call, a little kiss, a little time, a little help and a little prayer. Commit to make one little change a day for the next 15 days and watch your big problems melt away.” #Together4Ever

38. Isn't Faith Just For Weak Minded Fools?

When to Begin the Child's Training

     Education Begins With the Infant.--The word "education" means more than a course of study at college. Education begins with the infant in its mother's arms. While the mother is molding and fashioning the character of her children, she is educating them.  {CG 26.1} 
     Parents send their children to school; and when they have done this, they think they have educated them. But education is a matter of greater breadth than many realize: it comprises the whole process by which the child is instructed from babyhood to childhood, from childhood to youth, and from youth to manhood. As soon as a child is capable of forming an idea, his education should begin.  {CG 26.2} 
     Start When the Mind Is Most Impressible.--The work of education and training should commence with the babyhood of the child; for then the mind is the most impressible, and the lessons given are remembered.  {CG 26.3} 
     Children should virtually be trained in a home school from the cradle to maturity. And, as in the case of any well-regulated school, the teachers themselves gain important knowledge; the mother especially, who is the principal teacher in the home, should there learn the most valuable lessons of her life.  {CG 26.4} 
     It is a parent's duty to speak right words. . . . Day by day parents should learn in the school of Christ lessons from One that loves them. Then the story of God's everlasting love will be repeated in the home school to the tender flock. Thus, before reason is fully developed, children may catch a right spirit from their parents.  {CG 26.5} 
     Give Study to the Early Training.--The early training of children is a subject that all should carefully study. We need to make the education of our children a business, for their salvation depends largely upon the education given them in childhood. Parents and guardians must themselves maintain purity of heart and life, if they desire their children to be pure. As fathers and mothers, we should train and discipline ourselves. Then as teachers in the home, we can train our children, preparing them for the immortal inheritance.  {CG 27.1} 
     Make a Right Beginning.--Your children are God's property, bought with a price. Be very particular, O fathers and mothers, to treat them in a Christlike manner.  {CG 27.2} 
     The youth should be carefully and judiciously trained, for the wrong habits formed in childhood and youth often cling to the entire life-experience. May God help us to see the necessity of beginning right.  {CG 27.3} 
     Importance of Training the First Child.--The first child especially should be trained with great care, for he will educate the rest. Children grow according to the influence of those who surround them. If they are handled by those who are noisy and boisterous, they become noisy and almost unbearable.  {CG 27.4} 
     The Plant--An Object Lesson in Child Training.-- The gradual development of the plant from the seed is an object lesson in child training. There is "first the blade, then the ear, after that the full corn in the ear." Mark 4:28. He who gave this parable created the tiny seed, gave it its vital properties, and ordained the laws that govern its growth. And the truths taught by the parable were made a reality in His own life. He, the Majesty of heaven, the King of glory, became a babe in Bethlehem, and for a time represented the helpless infant in its mother's care. In childhood He spoke and acted as a child, honoring His parents, and carrying out their wishes in helpful ways. But from the first dawning of intelligence He was constantly growing in grace and in a knowledge of truth.  {CG 27.5}

Assuming the Best of Your Spouse or Partner

Assuming the Best of Your Spouse or Partner

By

Lindsay Harold

"One of the things that often causes friction in a marriage is when one spouse assumes the other has wrong motives. In many cases, this happens when they take what the other person has said in a way that was not intended.

"Of course, all of us say things that can be taken in a different way than we intend from time to time. For example, I remember a time several years ago when my mom was trying out a new vacuum cleaner. She really liked it and exclaimed “Wow, this thing really sucks.” My brother immediately quipped “Mom, isn’t that what it’s supposed to do?” Of course, we knew what she meant, but we immediately saw the other possible meaning as well. She was referring to the suction of the vacuum and saw it as a good thing. But it would be really easy for someone to misinterpret what she said as saying that the vacuum was no good – the exact opposite of what she meant. When she said it, she didn’t even think of how it could be interpreted until we started laughing.

"The same kind of thing happens to all of us. We say something slightly wrong or in a less than clear way. We use the wrong word. Or maybe we say something that is perfectly fine on the surface, but could easily be misinterpreted. Think how awkward it would be to have people always assume the worst possible interpretation of our words. Yet that often happens in a marriage.

"The problem arises when one person says something and the other assumes a hurtful meaning that was never intended. We women are especially prone to assuming the worst or reading between the lines (when there might have been nothing there), although both sexes do it. This often leads to strife and hurt feelings that could have been avoided. A good many marital arguments could have been avoided entirely if not for this kind of misunderstanding.

"She says that they need to sit down and look at the finances. He hears that he’s not providing properly and needs to step up. Thus, he’s defensive and wants to avoid talking about it. But she didn’t say anything of the sort and may not even have thought such a thing. She may have just wanted to have his involvement and help with an issue that she finds difficult to navigate. She should be able to count on him to work with her as a team, especially in something as important as finances. But he’s too busy hearing wrong motives and insults in her words to be the help she needs.

He says that he’d like to spend more time alone together. She hears that she’s not giving him enough sex and starts defensively talking about how busy she is all day and how he should help more with the kids and the housework. But all he was doing was sharing a need for more time with her. She is too busy being defensive (and perhaps feeling guilty) that she isn’t hearing the need of his heart.

"These kinds of situations are common. At their root, they are a failure to communicate. When you assume hidden motives and interpret the other person’s words accordingly, you are effectively silencing what they are really trying to say. And usually it leads to reactions that aren’t warranted. Then the other person gets defensive while trying to explain what they meant, and they’re aggravated that you so obviously assume the worst of them when they love you and didn’t mean what you thought they meant. It can become a vicious cycle of misunderstanding and hurt feelings that tears couples apart.

"In one way, it’s understandable that we get in this habit of assuming the worst. After all, in this dog-eat-dog world we live in, we can’t assume the best intentions of everyone. It would be dangerous and foolish to assume that everyone out there has only our best interest in mind. It’s easy to get a little cynical in order to protect ourselves. But if there’s anyone in the world we should be able to count on to have our backs and be on our side, it is our spouse – the one who vowed to love us forever. If our heart should be safe with anyone, it should be with our one true love. So why do we so often assume that our spouse is hiding an insult in their words or trying to hurt us? Why do we assume they have wrong motives? Why can’t we instead assume that we are misunderstanding if it seems that their words are hurtful or insulting?

"When your spouse says something that sounds hurtful or accusing, the first words out of your mouth should ask for clarification. Don’t jump to conclusions and react. You should immediately assume that you heard wrong or that you are misinterpreting their words and that they didn’t mean what they said the way you took it. Remain calm and ask what they meant by that. If it turns out that they are insulting you, there’s plenty of time to get mad then. But most of the time that isn't the case. Assume the best and it will save both of you a lot of needless heartache and stress.

"I’ve found that this approach works in my marriage to avoid arguments and it will work in yours. It just takes some time to train ourselves to see our spouse as a teammate and supporter rather than an opponent and to learn to ask for clarification rather than jumping to erroneous conclusions.

Comments?

I think this is very important to understand in any relationship especially one serious and heading towards marriage. Seeing each other as a team no matter what instead of an enemy is healthy for the relationship and encourages resolving of conflicts and misunderstandings very easily.

God bless you for spending time to read.

"Love always wills the betterment of its beloved; even at the expense of seeing the one you love being happy with someone else." - Just my opinion.